So yesterday, I posted an article about parenting on Facey-space and how to talk to your children to teach them to keep working hard. I thought it was an amazing article and one that pretty much everyone should read regardless if you have kids, don't have kids now or never ever ever want kids ever. :) It doesn't just relate to how you should talk with kids but talk to your co-workers or people who work for you... I also posted this with the article: Thank you mom and dad for praising me for my effort, being honest with me when I did something that disappointed you, and spending endless hours at the pool so that my ego was always in check!! :) I'm sure some people thought it was some back-handed compliment, but in fact, it was not. I was being very sincere.
This is my mom and dad on their wedding day in 19... uh... 19... uh... sometime way before I was born! :)
I'm sure at that time my parents knew they were going to have kids. My mom was very catholic (yes, there are degrees to catholicism and my mom was very) and it was her duty to populate the world with little catholics and my dad was a tiger and my mom was his prey... :) I'm sure they talked about how they wanted to raise kids, but I doubt they had any clue about good parenting versus bad parenting. They just knew how their parents raised them and the things that worked and the things that didn't work.
I KNOW my parents were not expecting to have 5 kids when that picture was taken. As being very catholic, my mom didn't believe in birth control and I was the lucky winner of that choice!! If I ever have to give an acceptance speech, I will have to thank Jesus and the pope for saying that catholics should not wear protection and should go out and procreate! :)
So, my parents got married and started making babies. They had four right away, took some time off to try and not have babies, and ended up with the loveliest baby ever, me... Then they raised us. I will never stand on a soap box and say that I have the most perfect parents on the planet, but I will say that they did a damn good job!
When I read articles like the above, I think a lot about how I was raised and my parents and who they are. There is no doubt about it, my parents' were tough. They had high expectations in themselves and in their children. They didn't mess around. My dad was former military, as was his dad, and he expected respect. My mom was a high achiever and expected that her kids' follow her in footsteps. Was this bad? No way!! They weren't abusive by any means, but they kept us in line. Sure we rebelled as all kids do, but they kept loving us but also encouring us to get back in line. They wanted to see us achieve as they did.
As I was growing up, I don't remember my parents ever saying, 'You have to do your homework'. I'm sure there were times that I didn't want to do my homework, and I'm sure I tried to resist, but I don't remember it every being an option NOT to do it. It was laid out that it was expected of me and if I didn't do it, I was responsible for the aftermath. I'm sure there were a few times that I forgot to do it, and had to own up to the responsibility of making it up. After a few times of dealing with that, I learned quickly that it was my responsbility.
I do remember my mom saying that I had to go to swim practice. I'm not bragging, but I was a state champion when I was 8 years old. When I turned 9, I was NOT ready to be at the bottom of the pack again. I HATED IT! I hated losing. I hated not being at the top of the group. I hated not winning. I am sure I fought the whole act of swimming because of this. I know that at Y states when I was 9 years old, I cried and cried and cried and told my mom that I hated swimming and that I was terrible at it and I didn't want to do it anymore. But my mom being a fighter, persisted. She kept dragging me to practice. She made sure I got in the pool and swam and she kept fighting me on it. I'm not sure if she knew that the fight was temporary or if she just kept at me because she wanted me to do something other than annoy her after school every day, but she kept at it. And her gamble paid off.
I know that my parents were and are my biggest cheerleaders. I never necessarily heard them cheer for me (my face was in the water most of the time), but I have watched many a video where the last 5 seconds of a race is just bouncing up and down and wildly screaming. I only remember a few times, like graduation days or end of season meets, that my parents told me that they were proud of me but I often heard them brag to other's about all of our accomplishments. With 5 kids, they probably didn't have time or energy to praise us all constantly, but it was the silent encouragement, like my mom keeping me in swimming even though I wasn't happy with it, that really won out.
Things that I hated then but understand now... My parents were fair. If we all got caught doing something wrong, we were all punished. I didn't understand it then, but I definitely understand it now. When my oldest brother and my sisters threw a party and I was at the house, I was grounded too. I was 8 years old and I had no choice but to be at the house, but I learned that it was NOT ok to throw a party at your house when your parents were not in town. When someone would trick me into saying a bad word, I got punished EVERY time. I quickly learned that it's not ok to say certain things in front of my parents and I still feel weird when I swear in front of them (although, I try hard not to... but I also like to push my mom's buttons so sometimes I do just for kicks or effect).
My parents also taught me that relationships were hard work. They had the pressure of raising 5 kids and dealing with the world and they fought. Sometimes they fought more than other times. I remember hearing my parents yell at each other or feeling the tension of them not speaking to each other. But I also remember the little gestures that they did to show each other that they still cared and loved each other. Like my dad trying to make my mom laugh and my mom laughing at his silly jokes. They also made it a part of each and every day to be there for each other. When my dad got home from work, my mom would drop what she was doing and they would go talk about their days in their bedroom... most the time with the door locked. This was their time to talk about what was going on with each other and about us, the kids. Through all the fights, they kept working and learning and growing and loving each other and they have persisted.
Another thing I remember about my parents is that they knew we were capable of lying to them and trying to lie to them. And when I was caught in a lie... Those are the times I remember my mom looking at me and saying, "I'm so disappointed in you"... and that hurt!! It hurt bad that my mom or dad was disappointed in me! It hurt enough that if I knew I was going to disappoint them, I would try everything in my power not to. Yes, as I became adult and made my own decisions in life, I was going to make decisions that disappointed my parents. I know of two... :) And yes, my mom told me that she was disappointed in both of these major decisions, but as a parent that taught us about making choices and dealing with the consequences of our choices, she had to sit back and watch it all work itself out. Both of the choices, in my opinion, have been for the better and have worked out beautifully... But I'm sure my mom was really worried through the rough spots about how I was going to break through. However, with hard work and determination... :)
There is no moral to the story. My parents did the best they could without any instruction book or manual. They didn't pour their love upon us and didn't shower us with praise. They were human and they treated us like we were human. They let us make mistakes and they taught us that it was our responsibility to clean up our mistakes. They set down pretty strict rules and let us sit back and try and figure out if we could break down their rules. Their rules usually won out. They watched us grow and cheered for us, sometimes silently. They taught us not to give up and although we will hit a lot of rough patches in our lives, their are ways to work through them. Thank you mom and dad for doing your best!! I think you did a damn good job!!! :)
